“Q” I have been in a relationship with this guy for slightly over a year now. We are living separately with our parents. Just after lockdown, I got an abortion. Since then my urge to have sex, in general, is at an all-time low. Every now and again he tends to bring up the issue that we are not having sex enough. I asked him what we could do to solve this situation. I said we get a hotel a couple times. Then he said we just do it at his house like we have been doing. You see I don't have a problem with that but the issue is his mum and sister live with him and I'm not comfortable with having sex with both of them in the house.
—On the other hand, I think my low need for it could be the abortion. but who knows. I feel like he's acting real insensitive and selfish and basically relying on me to fix this issue all alone. Make it make sense.
“A” Wheeewwww Chillllleeeee!!!! Ok lets get into it because I HAVE BEEN THERE! For about 2 years, I didn’t want anyone to come near me. I didn’t want anyone to touch me or even look at me. I just wanted to be left alone because my spirits were just hurting. Then I too had a little hiccup annnnnndddd BOY I realllyyyyy didn’t want anyone to touch me or look at me. I was embarrassed, ashamed, sad and all of the emotions that come with hiccups. So I GET IT.
Looking back, I realized that I didn’t feel safe inn any sense of the word and because of that I no longer had the confidence to trust anyone with my mind, body and spirit. I felt that no one would understand that I just wanted to be held and appreciated. I wanted to be validated and reminded that I was beautiful despite the ugly hiccup. I wanted to be loved mentally and intellectually and because I wasn’t getting that, I didn’t want sex. Now it came off as me not wanting my partner, when in reality I DID. I just didn’t want him in the way he wanted me. He wanted to have sex which was fine, because a part of me wanted to, but a bigger part of me hated the thought of it because I needed him to just take care of me in other ways: WHICH IS EXACTLY WHAT YOU NEED!
Right now, you need support if nothing else. You need someone who is going to speak to you through your love language to further reassure you that everything will be ok. You need someone who will just hold you and talk to you about how you feel, because you are currently holding that in trying to balance what he wants and what you need which isn’t fair to either of you.
You are not wrong for feeling the way you do and neither is he for his lack of understanding, BUT your relationship NEEDS a HARD RESET if it’s going to work because you are expecting him to read your mind and understand why you need a deeper level of intimacy that doesn’t include his mother and sister and he’s a dude! They don’t think that way, sooo you’ve got to let him into your world.
Don’t be me and shut your partner out because you’re holding onto hiccups and not sharing HOW they affected you and WHAT you need to move forward. What you experienced was tough and affects us all in different ways, so I can’t speak to the affect, but I KNOW that you need to just feel taken care of, appreciated and loved. Because when we feel appreciated by our partners, we ultimately want to reciprocate that appreciation and appreciate them they way they want to be appreciated if you catch my drift.
AND NOTE: HOW HE RESPONDS TO YOU AFTER YOU LET HIM KNOW WHAT YOU NEED, WILL LET YOU KNOW IF YOU EVEN STILL NEED TO ALLOW HIM INTO YOUR LIFE.
