“Q”: I been with my man for 7 years. We weren't official until year 4; after I told him I had sex with another man when I was on a work trip (It was Vegas & we faught before I departed making me EXTRA single). He rejected all my boyfriend requests but changed his mind after Vegas. 3 years after we became official, I still struggle to ask for gifts on my birthday (which was March 30, thus the root cause of this discussion) but I try to be understanding cause I know his situation is shaky and his cash flow is inconsistent. But why do I continue to make an effort to make him special on his bday or any other day? Why do I expect him to give me bday gifts without having to say what I want? Why am I disappointed with his lack of effort and my over efforts?
***Full disclosure, we dont live together, I dont cook for him, nor do I do his laundry or any other sexist wife duties. He's a chill, calm person who doesn't have issues asking for help, from anyone. But if I ask for something materialistic (once every 3 years), he does his best to deliver but tbh I make double what he makes so I don't care about those kind of gifts but I still feel like I'm unsatisfied.***
Am I ungrateful & delusional or desperate & dickmatized (cause it's good when actually get to do it)?
“A”: Wheeewwwww Honaaaayyyyyyy!!! Well for firsters, let me tell you that YOU ARE NOT CRAZY! What you want is simple and it’s to feel desired and appreciated by the man you chose…... You want the effort to be there without asking. You want him to be the man in the picture you’ve painted in your head…. (completely understandable) But let me ask you this, are you allowing that beautiful picture you see in your head to blind you from seeing who he really is? You mentioned that you asked him to be your boyfriend and he FINALLY gave you a chance after he found out that you were capable of getting someone else…… that’c cool I guess, BUT
Could it be that YOU CHOSE HIM and he didn’t choose you and because of that, he his giving you sub par efforts?? Because when you want something or are afraid of loosing something that you truly want, there won’t be the questions like “why am I not satisfied?” ITS BECAUSE YOUR IN AN UNSATISFYING SITUATION or “What is wrong with me"?” YOUR’E SETTLING OUT OF FEAR or even questions like “Am I ungrateful?” YEA YOU ARE! TO THE PEOPLE THAT LOVE YOU AND WANT THE BEST FOR YOU It starts with you and yo have to know that you deserve better!!
You’re not wrong for expecting birthday gifts or wrong for being disappointed in him, you are wrong for expecting him to meet a standard that you haven’t set. If he’s used to continuously having access to you without meeting your standards THENNN WHY WOULD HE MAKE AN EFFORT to do the little things, or increase his cash flow or get birthday gifts??? He honestly doesn’t have a reason to and it’s because you haven’t given him one…
While you may be acting so, you are NOT desperate or “dickmatized”. It takes 21 days to form a habit. You’ve been in this entanglement for SEVEN long years. SEVEN long years of you “going with the flow,” “living in perception while yearning for his validation” and ultimately “making excuses” for him. Meaning, not only is he a “habit/comfort zone” for you, he is an extension of you at this point because he is used to you picking up the slack and being ok with what is not ok for you. AGAIN, it is OK because WE as women have all been there because we naturally give and make better for those around us, it is also natural for us to want those around to make better for us. However that definitely cannot happen if we don’t advise, inform or divulge information about our desires, needs and/or weaknesses. It sounds like your guy is a pretty good guy, but there is a gap in communication. Which is usually the case in most relationships because people rather “HOPE” things will get better and “WONDER” why things aren’t getting better instead of talking about it to make a plan for things to actually get better….
I believe you have given him and served as his excuse long enough!! Liberate him from his laziness and you from your comfort zone and raise your expectations. Don’t fear loosing him because he can’t meet the standards, but fear loosing yourself because you chose to settle and not express what you need. Give him the chance to prove to you that he does care how you care, because I believe he could step up to the plate if given the chance and encouragement. Soooo make a effort to set a new standard...that being, you want the “little” things from him...as much as possible.
For example: EXPECT him to keep your car cleaned for you OR the gas tank full OR your fav ice cream in the fridge OR opening doors for you. Even if you have to fake the excitement, get him used to you EXPECTING the little things from him. He doesn’t have to “ice” you out to express love and If you’re not expecting that, you have to learn to accept his efforts at face value.
ALSO, consider taking a break from your 7 year entanglement? Get a breath of fresh air to get to know yourself and what you like and what your standards are because time flies and in SEVEN years, will you look back & say you lived the life you chose and were satisfied...or you lived the life you settled for?
Either way, You’re not ungrateful or delusional and there’s absolutely nothing wrong with you. You’re restless and unsatisfied for a reason. Think about it & ALWAAAYS be true to self.
Goodluck!
