Q: My boyfriend and I have been dating for about a year and 11 months will be 2 years in January. Our “honeymoon” stage was better than Amazing! During this last year we argue more as we are learning to adjust to each others habits. (I'm still not use to expressing my feelings so communication is something I need to work on) Habits like his lack of manners while eating. HE SMACKS food and beverages! and it is highly annoying to the point I can't take eating with him or have to put earplugs in my ear to drown the sound out. We’ve talked about it, but things havent changed. and I can't take it anymore! I don't wanna nag him but it's also not fair that I can't enjoy watching TV because I have my ears plugged up while he eats his food. I want to get back to that exciting “honeymoon” stage, but I feel like the annoying habits are blocking me from trying to be happy again in our relationship
What do I do?
A: WHEEEEEEEEWWWWWWWW honey!! Allll the questions I’ve been asked and THAT ONE, WAS FELT in every single way!! Likeeee smacking will get you smacked! That is a no go, HARD NO AND HELL NO for me. Likkkeee have some manners around a lady or you will cease to be around her!!
Now, regarding the problem you’re facing with ya mans hard habits, I would say to start with a conversation! You’d be surprised by what talking about you’re feelings could do. I personally am a “We need to talk” kinda woman! I put them on notice! While that generally builds up intense anxiety for the man, it also puts them in the mindset to have an important conversation versus just springing it on him when his mind is all over the place or consumed with other things.
“B4 THE TALK”
With that, TALK TO HIM when you’re READY! Now here’s where your work comes in. Write down WHAT you are feeling and HOW it is affecting you (you don’t have to bring that to the talk, but just writing it down makes it real and allows you to release it and all the passive aggression, before you approach him! With this talk is it important to FULLY express yourself! Hold nothing back because the objective is to get right so the relationship does not continue to go left…
ALSO, when giving him the “We Need To Talk” notice, give him a synopsis of what it will be about and encourage him to bring his feelings, complaints, compliments and concerns about the relationship to the table! This way, you won’t feel like it’s just you “nagging.” It’s the both of you communicating to reach a common ground.
“DURING THE TALK”
NO YELLING! Talk to each other how you would want to be treated and bee completely honest! Tell him what you need, how you need it! What you want! What works and what doesn’t! With every complaint, follow it with a compliment. The objective is for him to feel good enough to begin to be considerate of the smaller things so they don’t turn into big things. Reassure him that it’s not that he is just awful and you don’t want to be with him, you just need and would appreciate a little more consideration. Allow him to speak, but bye sure to set precedence at the beginning so he can follow your lead with self expression, If you go into it with an attitude, being passive and dismissive, he will surely follow suit.
When closing the needed convo, the two of you need to reschedule a follow up talk 3 days later! That should babe enough time to complete the “I WILL” List. Which is just a list of things each of you will make an effort to do to ensure that the complaints and concerns can be corrected. I wouldn’t encourage talking about it DURING because it should be something that is personally reflected upon so each person can come up with their OWN way to make the needed change.
“AFTER THE TALK”
If the talk goes well, come back to each other with your “I WILL” List and share it. When you share it, present the problem and the solution that will bye implemented to combat it. For example “Because you would like for me to cook despite me not liking to, I WILL start cooking 3 times a week.” Once it is shared, you thennn can hold your partner accountable to what they said they would do.ALSO Keep the list so if either of you aren’t following through with your”I WILL” commitment, then you can reference the list.
Look the objective is to make things simple! And because thoughts can be complicated, it’s ultimately time you two talk! A new year is about to start and the last thing you both need is a divided empire because you won’t talk through it. I know self expression isn’t your strength, but if the relationship is worth it, you’re gonna have to lead baby example and break that habit same way you want him to break his. 🤷🏽♀️ Now in the case the convo doens’t go good and he isn’t being understanding, unfortunately, that’s your answer. He’s NOT the one and it’s better you know that now before the new year….
XOXO, Qri
